Riding the Twist

By Steven French

No, I don’t know any Sfahar. No, I never met anyone with that name on ‘my travels’. Who the hell calls it that?! ‘My travels’. You don’t travel, you twist, ? Through space-time. I mean, get the lingo right at least …

Yeah, okay, fine, I get it, you need to find ‘em. Alright, sure, calm down, take a breath, I’ll look at the holo again. Jeez, don’t project it so close, ? No, I’m sorry, I told you already, never seen ‘em, never heard of ‘em. And you’re right, yes, I’ve done a lot of twists, on different ships, corporate, non-corporate, whatever, you name it! What’s that you say? 

My friend, there are a lot of ships running about out there which ain’t exactly legit, if y’get my drift. And sure, maybe this Sfahar of yours went off on one of those. But if they did, I got to be honest, chances are … 

What do I mean? Seriously, you want me to spell it out for you? Fine, what I mean is, yes, those ships can skim you along the Rim or even throw you from one quadrant into another, quick as, and sure, of course, if you can hop on undetected then registering isn’t going to be an issue. In fact you won’t have to deal with any of that official malarkey, but if you don’t know what you’re doing, where to go, who to trust, well, as I said, chances are … 

Okay, fine, fine, keep your … whatever on, I’ll tell you: first you’ve got your bulls, security bots that patrol the shipyards and loading bays who’ll haul you in and not exactly politely if you get my drift. Then they’ll throw you to the feds, which means jail time at the very least … if you’re lucky. Plus you’ve got the rogue operators, pirates some call ‘em — yeah, you heard me — and they come in various flavours ranging from those who’ll gut you as soon as look at you, or toss you into a singularity just to watch you spaghettify, to those merry souls who like to have a little fun with you first before selling you to some slaver or other. 

And not to mention the ships themselves! I mean, what we’re talking about here are not your classy corporate models with all the failsafes and a decent AI to make sure you twist out to where you expect to be … oh, no, these are buckets with barely functioning air replenishers and navigational systems that are just as ropey, if not actually psychotic. And then if you do manage to sneak into a cargo hold, even supposing you avoid whatever rudimentary security set-up they have on board, like as not after the airlock cycles shut, you’ll find they haven’t bothered to heat the hold. Or even pump oxygen in. 

So, yeah, if this Sfahar of yours wasn’t clued in, then, soz and all that, but I reckon most likely they’ve gone the way of all things. 

How did I manage to survive this long? Ha! By my innate skill and wit and sure, a goodly chunk of luck. Okay, no, seriously, <sigh>  Look, there’s something which goes by the name of The Hobo Manual … Yeah, I know, it’s a weird name, what can I say?! And no, I don’t know where it comes from, just that it goes back a long time, back to the days when folk were riding something other than space-ships. Anyway, it’ll tell you which ships are safest to twist with, how to avoid the bull-bots, which yards have the best hiding places, all o’that. Like I said, been handed down through the ages. Legend has it that originally it was scribed on organic material of some kind but now it’s all spintronic, of course, which means it’s easy to pass on and just as easy to drop back into the quantum soup if needs be. No, it’s not available over the ‘net. What, you think you can just download it?! It has to be handed on, from one person to another. Literally. Or, well, not literally if you don’t actually have hands … 

Could I give it to you? Well, yes, I guess I could but why would I? I mean, I just met you, don’t know you … where are you even from? 

The Callistan Palimpsest?! Jeez, keep your voice down! Yes, I know about what’s happening there. Everyone does. So … is this Sfahar you’re looking for a refugee too? That would add a knot or two to any twist. I mean, sure, maybe they got away somewhere safe but y’know, needle in a haystack even so. What? Oh, it’s an old Earth expression, it means … okay, you get it. 

Still, wouldn’t you be better off trying …? Fine, no, you’re right, it’s not for me to … but still … Okay, okay, look, fine, I’ll give you a copy of the Manual. Maybe it’ll help you find them. No, really, don’t worry about it. Just do the same sometime, okay? Pass it on to someone who really needs it. That’s how it works. Now, which part of you may I touch? There? Okay, here goes. Got it? Yes, it comes with its own translation module, you’ll be fine. 

Okay, go, get out of here before the immigration bots roll up. And … take care. I hope you find this Sfahar, I really do.

***

Yes, officer, how may I help you? No, no one of that description has passed through here recently. Me? I’m just taking a moment … but yes, of course, I will go take that moment somewhere else.

About the Author

Steven French is a  retired academic, living in West Yorkshire, U.K. and has had pieces published in various venues, including most recently AntipodeanSF, the anthology Oaths and Offerings and The Hoolet’s Nook.