By C. A. Broadribb

All right, maybe it’s not the best title but at least I’m being original.

Sheldon sits at the window of the plant’s café, looking out at the vats of gently bubbling biosolids.

Fang arrives, saying, “Hello, dear.”

Will the readers know that her name’s pronounced ‘Fong’ and means perfume or a beautiful flower in Chinese? I hope they don’t think she’s a vampire.

“Hi, darling.” Sheldon hands her a bow-wrapped pair of scissors.

Roses and chocolates are so clichéd.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” Fang says, looking puzzled.

“I don’t know. Maybe cut your hair,” Sheldon suggests.

“Why? I like it long,” Fang says crossly.

Oh, this isn’t going the way I intended it to at all. This is supposed to be a romance.

“You have beautiful hair, darling,” Sheldon says, reaching over to stroke her Cyphochilus-beetle-shade locks.

“Lovely skin, too,” he says, continuing the stroke onto her titanium-dioxide-shade cheek.

“And nice eyes,” he says, trying to gaze into them but not succeeding because of the dark sunglasses she wears because albino people are sensitive to light.

Does that sound romantic? I can think of better similes later.

“You’re handsome too,” Fang says, looking admiringly at his pudgy cheeks, double chins, shapeless arms that are thicker than her legs, flabby body and chunky ankles with rolls of fat at the bottom.

I’m trying to avoid stereotypes and create interesting, distinctive characters.

“How are your pooktre tree-shaping lessons going?” Sheldon asks.

“They’re fun. How is your duct tape artwork going?” Fang asks.

“Great. I made a sculpture the other day.”

Now the story’s getting boring. Should I introduce some conflict, to liven it up? Or did the bit about the scissors count? Maybe I need more romance.

Fang gazes out of the window at a young tree growing near the Activated Sludge Filtration Unit and says, “Maybe I can shape those branches into a heart, to show my love for you.”

Better, but this story’s only supposed to be 500 words, so I need to move the plot along.

Sheldon awkwardly gets down on one knee and pulls a duct tape ring out of his pocket. “Darling Fang, will you marry me?”

Now for a surprise ending. I’m considering a few:

• Fang grabs the scissors and stabs Sheldon in the neck.
• Fang cuts the ring in half, saying, “Buy me a proper diamond ring first, you cheapskate.”
• Fang says, “Isn’t it a bit soon? It’s only our second date!”
• Fang says, “But aren’t you still married to my sister?”Sheldon suddenly clutches his chest, collapses onto the floor, and dies.
• Fang suddenly clutches her chest, collapses onto the floor, and dies.
• Fang says, “I only said you’re handsome to be polite. I don’t really find super-morbidly obese white guys attractive.” Sheldon says, “You call me white? You look like a walking ghost. Stuff you, you freak!”

Oh, I don’t know. It’s late and I’m tired. I’ll finish this some other time.

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